The War Room

TRANSMISSION FROM BEHIND ENEMY LINES: WHAT'S A SEPARATIST?

Our hard-working audio lab technicians in the basement of The War Room have been able to decipher, decode and transcribe yet another conversation that our courageous agent taped while on assignment behind enemy lines. Codenamed Agent Starr, she is currently undergoing extensive training so that she can infiltrate further the Toronto academic, cultural and social scenes after Labour Day.

Again, these tapes show first hand evidence of the types of discussions that citizens are engaging in within the battlezone. This conversation, recorded at approximately 15:45 hundred hours eastern time on June 21, is again between the formerly heard CBC employee and his son, named Billy, who still sounds about 6 years old.

It was recorded somewhere on Carlton St. just east of Yonge.

Billy: Dad, what’s a separatist?

Dad: Son, I dreaded the day this conversation would come. Well …those are people that come from Quebec. They love our country and just want to belong. They are largely misunderstood. We have to do everything we can to make sure they feel welcome…like running advertising programs in their ‘belle province’ that promote unity; or appointing one of their own as the Governor General.

Billy: Quebec? Johnny O’Malley said they came from Alberta.

Dad: Oh. Those ones. You don’t want no part o’ that.

Billy: Why?

Dad: Because they are intolerant, Christian bigots who tend to discriminate against homosexuals, unions and domestic animals. They also believe Hooters have good wings.

Billy: Better than Woody’s on Church?

Dad: They think so. Why do you ask?

Billy: Well, Johnny said if Alberta seper…septual…

Dad: …separates…

Billy: …right! Johnny said if Alberta separates than the country would be plunged into a downward spiral from which it might not recover; he also says that the average Albertan easily pays more to fund the country than the average Torontonian. Is that true?

Dad: No, our money comes from the government. Remember, Albertans aren’t that smart. They wouldn’t know a separatist from a supremacist; which explains a lot. Also, even if they did…well…we don’t really need them anyway.

Billy: Why?

Dad: Because they foster a vision of Canada that we no longer believe in.

Billy: Johnny said they believed in things like family, freedom, God and respect for our veterans. Don’t we believe in those things?

Dad: We believe in new Canadian values like tolerance, diversity and equality. They’re also largely white.

Billy: We’re white.

Dad: But we feel guilty about it and let others know it. They also don’t tolerate same-sex marriage.

Billy: Well…are we tolerant?

Dad: Of course.

Billy: Then why don’t we tolerate them?

Dad: We do, we just want to enlighten them.

Billy: Enlivennn…

Dad: No, enlighten. That’s when sometimes you force people to do things they might not really want to do but its better for them in the long run.

Billy: Do they have a choice?

Dad: In a democracy such as ours, people always have a choice. They can become enlightened or pay the consequences.

Billy: Pay the consequences? Sounds like what Miss Radley said to Johnny after he spoke up in class the other day. Golly, we didn’t see him for a whole two hours after that. Doesn’t that mean that they don’t really have a choice at all?

Dad: No. It just means that through the force of our government, courts and legal system, we can ensure that they make the right choice. Kind of like when I tell you to eat your French fries with miso-gravy.

Billy: So…we do want Alberta to stay.

Dad: Of course.

Billy: And we do tolerate them.

Dad: Certainly.

Billy: …but we want to enlighten them for the sake of equality or they will pay the consequences.

Dad: Now, you’re getting it.

Billy: And in a democracy such as ours those consec..consec…

Dad: ...consequences…

Billy: …are given out by government, lawyers and judges.

Dad: You got it!

Billy: I think so. Johnny O’Malley taught me a word yesterday that sums up all of those things.

Dad: Excellent! What is it?

Billy: Communism!

posted by Nicol DuMoulin @ 9:12 AM