LIBERAL FRIENDS, LIBERAL ENEMIES
No one can deny that we live in a culture of very divisive times. Whether one is a liberal, conservative, libertarian or of no political belief whatsoever, we all have friends of various political stripes.What I wonder though, the older I get, is I start to understand what some of the old fashioned platitudes actually meant in a practical sense.
Don't talk about religion, sex or politics around the kitchen table used to be how the saying went. The baby boomers took that addage to be an indication of a culture that was repressed and for forty years went in the opposite direction where everything was talked about at the kitchen table from what your intestinal gas smells like to what your most intimate sex practice is.
For as long as I can remember, our culture has been one of acrimony that has gotten much much worse in recent years.
My question is, to those of you with strong beliefs, do you find it easy to be friends with people whose beliefs are polar opposite to your own?
I don't mean friendly or on nice speaking terms. I mean friends who share deep experiences with each other.
I find in recent years it has become much more difficult for me. I am in the arts; needless to say, most of my friends, aquaintences and business contacts are not just liberal...they are the most extreme of leftists.
Several of these people are card carrying wiccans and pagans who take The DaVinci Code literally and run out naked and howl at the moon during the solstice. One of those is about to get a PHD from U of T. She calls it enlightenment.
Others are true blue errr red believers in Marxism and all of the oppression that entails. Yet another is an academic at U of T who confided to me once that he felt oppressed by having to walk past a church everyday and that Churches, Mosques and Synagogues should be forced by the state to perform 'same sex' marriages. His wife is a high ranking member of the Liberal Party. I know she has influence and her views are to the left of him.
Sadly, my relationships with all of these people has dwindled off in recent years because I find that when your beliefs are that divergent, every conversation becomes an exercise in subtext, hints and views that almost always are argumentative or condescending in nature.
Gloriously and joyously, my wife and I recently found out we were having our first baby. This is the first for us and was a huge part of why I didn't write as much in the fall. But, here is a question...this is where things get dificult.
We seek to baptize our child Catholic. Can one invite the academic or the pagan to the baptism when you know they have communicated to you that they see the faith as a form of oppression and hate?
Take the flip side; if one really believes the war in Iraq is about nothing but oil and greed and oppression of other people, how can that person be good friends with someone who is for it?
Unless of course you conclude the opposing side is just ignorant, misinformed and stupid...which is of course just as problematic. I feel like I am at a bit of a turning point in my life as we prepare for our daughter to be born.
And that is my question. I truly believe one should seek out many diverse friends to have with differing views and beliefs. But realistically, in the arts, I do not have that many conservative, Christian or Catholic friends.
Many times, you feel like you are the "low man on the totem pole" (as the late, great Canadian John Candy once said in an SCTV skit), and even conversations that begin well can always take a detour into subtext.
For those that care, do you find you have the same experiences? Even though I have been on welfare in my life and my family comes from a humble background where we have been to a food bank to get peanut butter before Christmas when was a child, my Marxist friend, who has never been poor and lives a comfortable life, looks down on me...because I oppress the poor! He loves Chris McCandless though!
I think I need to tell him that being poor is not cool and does not come with an Eddie Vedder soundtrack.
My pagan aquaintance is so obsessed with with New Age feminism that when she complained about her weight to me at a Christmas Party and my response was that she looked great, had nothing to worry about and then I jokingly said that she had my "permission" to never worry about it again, she then snarkily inferred that I was playing the role of the dominant patriarch with her! Insanity.
So my question is, how much longer can our culture go on this way? Regardless of who is in power, it is silly for either side to claim they have a majority on their side.
There have always been cultural debates throughout the ages and they have always been the same...
religion vs science...
poor vs rich...
politician vs citizen...
governance vs control...
public vs private...
land owner vs worker...
They go on and on. Yet right now our culture feels increasingly angry and tense.
Like we no longer talk to each other anymore as individuals but as "types". So if someone knows which way you vote or what your belief system is they will make assumptions about you and talk to you in subtext.
Does this train of thought make sense to anyone...or is it just me?
posted by Nicol DuMoulin @ 1:52 PM
10 Comments:
I work in academia and have the same experiences.
To be a practicing Catholic (or Jew) is to be seen as quaint and slightly nuts.
Everything is polarized and balkanized - people feel they have the right to judge you by your opinions. And I mean judge, like, "I hate that guy, he is not a Marxist." Now, being a member of a political party is something to keep very quiet at work. Even if it is the NDP.
I watch Parliament and I cringe. The decline of parliamentary courtesy during the Liberal years was very shocking. The Reform-Conservative-PC-Alliance degraded the institution and lowered the quality of debate and interchange. Words like "idiot" and "jerk" are thrown around. Their hatred of Trudeau and, therefore, everything Liberal, made them to believe all bets are off.
This tactic was started by Brian Tobin and Sheila Copps in the 1980s, they called it the "Rat Pack." John Reynolds and Stephen Harper just borrowed it.
So you have situations like last weekend where a minister of the crown (Helena Guergis) released the itinerary of the leader of the opposition and his deputy, "by mistake" while they were traveling in Afghanistan. As Liberals they are no longer entitled to safety or security. By being Liberals they are deserving of shabby and potentially lethal treatment.
Everyone hates every-one else. Newfoundlanders, Indians, immigrants, Muslims, gays, the old, the sick, the illiterate... all are targets. Society's weakest. Mother Theresa called them "the poorest of the poor."
The internet empowers every loser and weirdo and makes him believe he is a latter day C.S. Lewis or G.K. Chesterton or something. All of society's regular restraints are gone.
Conservatives have no moral high ground here. Their disregard for the weak of society -- our brothers and sisters -- is ethically bankrupt. A million Canadian children go to bed hungry at night. Who cares?
The culture of blogging is part of the problem which concerns you. It is vicious, especially the comments and discussions.
The way people carry-on, on-line, is astounding. The anonymity of the internet etc. etc.
Allan.
Like we no longer talk to each other anymore as individuals but as "types".
It's called "identity politics". There are entire university departments dedicated to it, and massive tomes describing how one type relates to another type.
Some people are quite helpless to deal with you if they can't categorize you first. They have no idea how to handle "a person".
Nichol, you are not wrong..
Never forget, that it is those of the left that chose to shun the rest of mainstream society.
One can only take so much 'bashing', (with no recourse) from these types before the urge to go on the offensive becomes top of mind.
To remain in positions of power, the left has had to continuously negate and belittle the very society that gives them license to be who they are, and say what they want.
When societal engineering becomes too prevalent, and society pushes back, we find them snarkier than ever, as seen in the Liberals defeat in '06..they feel that they are still in power, and we should cowtow to them in perpetuity as 'Canada's Natural governing party'..
The reality is that the west can tolerate such behaviour, only if it is stable, and there is no sense that certain beliefs and ideals will harm it.
That time is rapidly coming to a close, and i would not want to be on the outside looking in when our societies doors start slamming shut on these people..
Wow, you saved a lot up, Nicol!
First of all, that's great news about finding out you and your wife are having a daughter. I'll bet you can't wait to hold her!
Regarding the rest of the post, I remember you getting this idea at my blog some time ago. You've obviously given it a lot of thought.
I think it's possible to be good friends with someone who doesn't hold your exact political and religious views, but if the difference is too significant, I think it becomes very difficult.
You constantly run the risk of offending the other person, and vice versa.
In contrast to that, have you ever been in a conversation with someone whose views are so similar to your own, that you almost connect on a spiritual level and seem to know exactly what the other is thinking?
Perhaps it is an extension of the tribalism from the mideast cultures.
But don't worry about this stuff - Get ready for that baby! ;)
Anonymous,
I do not agree with everything you say as you categorize as weak some people who actually have much power...
...but I will tell you a story.
In the 80's I got to go to Parliament when it was Brian Mulroney, John Turner (who I voted for in my first election) and Ed Broadbent. At one point, things got heated and then one of them ( I do not remember which) made a joke that he was in bed with the other and then it became a joke that the three were really bitter lovers. Everyone laughed. I remember that to this day and the performances of all three men then impressed me. They seemed to actually like each other. I have a lot of respect for Broadbent.
I agree that poverty is a problem. A huge one. But so is people seeing themselves as victims and not wanting to help themselves. So are politicians who use the poor as experiments in social engineering. My first election I voted Liberal and would love to again some day. I just think they have gotten too caught up in the Marxist part. But there are Liberals I admire. I just resent the underlying ideological assumptions which I believe have strayed too far from the path of Classical Liberalism.
Once rich kids like the Avi Lewis' and Naomi Kleins of the world became the face of mainstream progressives...the worm turned.
Progressive ideology quit being about helping the poor and about controling them. As someone with a poor background...I resent that.
But you are right that not every conservative takes the high road. I am actually working on a very long post about the problem with modern conservatives. I hope to have it shortly.
Allan,
Blogging has done as much good as bad. It has certainly allowed people to say nasty things. But it also givs many disenfranchised people a voice. Every media form has done this.
Rabbit,
"identity politics". Yes, that is why I started to veer away from the left.
Kursk,
I find for too long now we have had a 'counter-culture' culture. Where those who in every other era were the misfits now run the show and those who make the world go round (families, honest business people, blue collar workers, clergy of all faiths) are now denegrated.
The fact that Pope Benedict, a world class scholar is not allowed at a university but we have two - TWO - Che pics glorifying him out next year is sad.
Thanks to all of you for your comments. They are appreciated.
Joanne,
Thank you so much for the kind words. Our daughter is the best thing that ever happened to my lovely wife and I. We are due in May. I will write more about this experience later.
I agree, it is possible to be friends with the opposite...but I think if you learn too much it can be problamtic. It also depends on how you and the other person conduct themselves. I am much better with people who are open and up front about their beliefs and ask questions as opposed to those who act like Jon Stewart and everything is subtextual zingers and one liners that are really just used to mock. I find that is worse in the males ironically enough where my female friends are more likely to listen even if they disagree.
Regardless, I have and never will refuse a friend who disagrees with me (the pagan is welcome in our home anytime)...I only ask that they respect my beliefs in kind. Sometimes, I find that is the hard part. I find New Age types are very big on pushing their beliefs on you. They make Tom Cruise look subtle.
Thanks for the comment. Now...I'm off to Cloverfield!
Nicol,
First of all, congrats on being pregnant!
Second, instead of leaving a longwinded comment, I've turned my comment into a post on my blog.
I find as my children get older that in general it is harder to make new friends. So you tend to settle for people that have some things in common, but not political beliefs.
I some ways this is a good thing, since people can see that someone has different beliefs, but is still a decent person. This is true of friendships with people of different religious backgrounds, too.
Family members are another thing.
My brother, for instance, is a university professor and lives in a leftist bubble. Still I was taken aback the other day when I asked him if he was following the American primaries and he said no, because he wanted a candidate who would see that America never invaded another country (if he had followed the primaries, perhaps he would have loved Ron Paul!). What can you say to such a knee-jerk leftist cliché?
I guess the other problem is if you live in a part of the country where there ain't too many conservatives, much less long-time conservatives. Here in the West Island, most people have always voted Liberal, are against the war in Aghanistan and tend to believe every word Al Gore utters.
So blogs like this are great because you can learn from other conservatives' insights and laugh at the jokes and videos.
Good luck with the new baby - don't forget to take some early hair and keep it as a souvenir, since the colour can change later (e.g. early light redhead to light brown).
Nicol, congratulations.
To answer your primary question, you really just have to ask yourself how you would behave in the opposite direction. For example, if you had a Jewish friend who was getting married, you'd attend his/her Jewish wedding, right? If you have friends who like and respect you, they'll be honored to go to your ceremony because they do so in order to honor you and your family, and not because of anything to do with ideology. If you have friends who would be squeamish at the prospect, then they probably aren't really your friends, which sounds like something you would tell a child, I know, but it's still true.
From the sound of it, though, you have very strange friends and acquaintances. I live in Hollywood and nobody I know resembles anyone that you describe.
Good luck.
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